Imagine a world where the Federal Reserve was here to entertain and comment on sports betting rather than offer dry, carefully worded updates on monetary policy (like the most recent version).  If such a world existed, Ted Rood would be your tour guide.  He submits the following as evidence.

The Ted Statement - 

Information received since the Federal Open Market Committee met in December indicates Washington DC legal counsel demand remains robust, cable news ratings have soared, and Wuhan Virus panic has been rising at a brisk rate.  Hand sanitizer production levels have been solid, on average, in recent months, but face mask inventory shortages remain.  Although Super Bowl interest has grown overall, the prospect of a Patriot-free Super Bowl has led to rampant regional depression in the Northeast, with concurrent economic contraction.  On a 12‑month basis, inflation for items other than rubber gloves, Patrick Mahomes’ memorabilia and Miami hotel housing are running below 2 percent.  

Consistent with its statutory mandate, the Committee seeks to foster maximum employment and returns on its short term sporting investments. The Committee decided to maintain the target range for the federal funds wagers at 1‑1/2 to 1-3/4 percent. The Committee judges that the current stance of monetary policy is appropriate to support both its looming Kansas City Chiefs investment and accompanying wager the point total will exceed the projected 55.5 points.  In a break from prior policy, the Committee will, this year, also sell Super Bowl Squares to Committee members and their families at its watch party.

The Committee will continue to monitor the implications of incoming information for the economic outlook, including impeachment-related Federal dysfunction and the stunning ability of Chinese authorities to construct hospitals in 7 days, as it assesses the appropriate path of the target range for federal funds wagers.  In determining the timing and size of future adjustments to said wagers, during the marathon halftime show the Committee will assess realized and expected economic conditions relative to its pre-game projections. This assessment will take into account a wide range of information, including 3rd down conversion percentages, indicators of defensive blitzing pressures, offensive adjustments, injury reports, and readings on both domestic and international wagering trends.